Beating the Blues of A Broken Heart: A Valentine’s Day Bulletin |
||
|
By |
||
|
|
||
| Many of the following questions were recently asked of me by Cheryl Zupan, Managing Editor of the local Between the Lines paper. Some questions have been modified. Here are my answers: | ||
| As Valentine’s Day approaches, single people often get the blues. What advice would you give to someone who has recently broken off a relationship when it comes to getting through this romantic day? “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” is the popular quote. We all need to remind ourselves that we are richer for loving than staying alone and isolated. Love means risk. We all get hurt when it does not last. View Valentine’s Day as just another day. Make yourself, your friends, and your relatives the object of your affection for this day. Pamper yourself. Be giving to others. Don’t envy everyone else who is in a relationship. We don’t know how healthy their relationships are anyway! Allow yourself to have whatever feelings you have without pushing them away. | ||
| Are gay and lesbian breakups any different to cope with than heterosexual relationships? If so, why? Whether gay, lesbian, or heterosexual, we are all people, and loss is very painful. The feelings we experience over loss are the same. The only difference between us is the sex of our partners. We all need social ties and intimate relationships to thrive. Gay and Lesbian men and women may struggle more since many people don’t understand or accept homosexuality. A gay, lesbian, or bisexual person may get less overall empathy about the loss of a same-sex mate. There are also less mates to choose from for future relationships due to being a relatively small minority. | ||
| After a break-up, it is often common for one or both partners to attempt to patch things up and reunite due to feeling lonely without the other. Is this a good idea? Is it better to make a clean break? There are no pat answers. I think it is best to do what you need to do as part of the working through phase. One who goes back out of fear, insecurity, or uncertainty about letting go is in the process of learning to move on. Some people can cut ties and go forward while others need to relive some of the reasons why the relationship was not good for life. The only time it is essential to cut ties completely is if there is abuse. When a relationship poses physical danger to oneself, one’s children, one’s pets or property, get out and stay out. This is much harder done than said. Professional help can support you through this transition. | ||
| How do you know when it’s over? It is over when your gut says it is over. To double check, you may try to talk to your mate or try couple’s therapy. Typically, your gut rules! Listen to it! When your heart still loves, try to resolve issues. When your heart is cold, something is wrong. Most of the time, the heart takes time to go from hot to cold. That is when it is best to talk openly to your partner about concerns, feelings, and desires. Don’t wait until ice is present or it will likely be too late. | ||
| Does getting back together after a break-up work? No one likes to be alone for long. After breaking up, it is easy to remember only the good times. After all, if we just recalled the bad times, no one would pine for their mate or be tempted to go back. | ||
| It is important to recall all of the relationship issues; good and bad. Put the relationship into perspective with your life goals, your overall feelings and comfort level when with that person, and use your intellect to moderate your emotions. Love can be blind and stupid when making permanent commitments or legally binding decisions! Usually, if there were good solid reasons for breaking up before, going back to the same situation unchanged will not be a good idea. It will only repeat the pattern. | ||
| Are there differences between the ways in which men and women cope with a break-up? Generally speaking, very generally speaking, men are socialized to act and not feel. They are “mis-socialized” to believe that crying is weak. Therefore, men may often act to go date, stay active all the time, and do anything to just not feel their emotions. Women, however, typically cry, emote, get emotional support from the friends, and don’t jump into new dating relationships as quickly (Again, I am generalizing). For both, true coping means assimilating the loss into our psyche, accepting it, understanding the necessity for it and then, moving on to new romantic relationships! | ||
| Revenge is often a reaction to being dumped. Can you offer advice on revenge? Revenge is a childlike response to hurt that cries out, “See how it feels to you!” Absolutely NOTHING positive comes out of it! Revenge is the manifestation of a lot of pain, which gets disguised unconsciously as anger. It is best to talk about your hurt, your anger and write about it than to act on it. You can fantasize about revenge, but never act on it. It will only make you feel worse about yourself in the long run. Mature people know that losing a relationship is not always about rejection. It is a reality of life. We can love many people, but can pair off for life with very few. | ||
| Is there a predictable process or time frame for working through a break-up? Everyone is unique and needs to take whatever time they need to grieve. If one cannot stop obsessing about their loss and cannot focus on much else, professional help can get them through the impasse. Typically, as Elizabeth Kubler-Ross designated, there are stages of grief that include shock, depression, anger, bargaining, and acceptance. These stages need not be in order or all-inclusive. For long-term partnerships, a year is typically needed to resolve all issues and make it through the anniversary effects of significant occasions spent together. Plan an hour a day to purposely mourn your relationship. After an hour is up, do whatever you feel like, including more mourning. | ||
| Finally, what about dating again? How soon? What are the pitfalls of dating immediately after a break-up? Each of us is different in the intensity of love and pain we feel and the time we need before dating again. The key for healthy future relationships is to resolve the prior one fully. It is best that one is comfortable being alone, likes oneself, and understands how he/she contributed to what went wrong in the last relationship. We need to know ourselves well to know what we want and need in a relationship with another. Only two strong and healthy people make a good relationship. |
|
This article was written by Dr. Laurel A. Sills, a Fully Licensed Clinical Psychologist (since 1987) and Life Coach. She provides direct, down-to-earth, short-term therapy with long-term results. She is passionate in her work and will help you stay motivated to change your life with regular commitment to changing habits in thinking and behaving. See her website at: www.DrLSills.com or www.BuildAStrongerYou.com |
||
|
Copyright 2006© Laurel A. Sills, Psy.D. All rights reserved Back to Articles |