Cupid Missed Me: Where can I find love? |
||
|
By |
||
|
|
||
| When Cupid shoots his arrow on Valentine’s Day and misses you, do you feel alone and left out? Many people are very saddened by the Valentine’s Day hoopla if they are alone, are dating but have no one special in their life, or remain in an unhappy relationship. There are two points to this article: one is that there are things to be done in a relationship that feels dead or stale to try to reawaken loving feelings; and two, there are alternative ways for single people to find potential mates. | ||
| First of all, married people who are not happy often are not talking to their mate openly and honestly, about their specific feelings of hurt, dissatisfaction, disinterest, or concerns about lack of attraction or things in common. Well, these things are all negative. That is true. So many people think it is better to say nothing than to say something negative that could be hurtful. The irony of the situation is that saying nothing at all is also hurtful—it leads to distancing, lack of communication, lack of honesty and squelches intimate talking. The best relationships require open communication about hurt feelings, anger, worries about the relationship and the other. Silently hoping things will change in order to avoid those dreaded talks about these issues is not helpful. | ||
| Even though it is very difficult to get through painful discussions of feelings that affect your partner, it is vital to do this. If feelings can be identified, described, put out in the open, then it is possible to get your partner’s views, reactions, and work together to resolve issues, improve understanding and problem solve. Yes, you will hurt your partner’s feelings. That is a likely consequence. But if the motive of talking is to bring you and your partner closer out of love or a desire to recapture loving feelings, isn’t it worth it? Whether you want to believe it or not, most of the time when you feel negative feelings or distance from your partner, your partner picks up on those feelings. Not talking leaves a big question mark for both of you. Interactions begin to feel obligatory and phony rather than sincere. You may buy loving cards for occasions like Valentine’s Day or go through the motions of romance while feeling alone, sick, and uncomfortable on the inside. | ||
| Taking the risk to be honest may lead to knowledge that you and your partner have irreconcilable differences. In the big picture, this knowledge will allow you both to move forward to plan your future together or apart. Saying nothing can lead to affairs, a guilty conscience, displaced anger, or a depressed mood. Most likely, putting the feelings on the table will help you and your partner know each other again and feel something rather than nothing. It is a good start back to intimacy. | ||
| For the single person who has not found that right person to be intimate with, a tool you may not have tried to meet someone is the computer. Yes, the computer! “Oh my, How risky” you say? Well, the computer is actually much safer than blind dates from ads. There is more anonymity at first, which keeps your name private. The fact that there is privacy could allow for impostors and fakes, but it also provides a safe way to disclose without fear of rejection, humiliation, and exposure. Two people can take their time to write back and forth and feel comfortable asking all kinds of questions before even giving out their phone numbers. It is cheap. No lunches or dinners to buy for a person, you are not interested in. You can get more immediate feedback on line and download pictures of the potential mate. Writing can be done with more thought and less nervousness. If all goes well with the emailing, you can move to the phone. After talking on the phone to see how the other person’s voice quality and personality is, you can decide to set up a blind date in a neutral place that is safe. Yes, there are lots of people out there with problems. But the key to any social interaction with a stranger is to take the time to trust, pay attention to your gut responses, and let them guide you. This is the same rule as in any type of meeting. | ||
| Sometimes, the place you least expect to meet an emotionally healthy person turns out to be the best opportunity. Expand your hunting grounds and listen to your gut reactions about anyone you meet. |
|
This article was written by Dr. Laurel A. Sills, a Fully Licensed Clinical Psychologist (since 1987) and Life Coach. She provides direct, down-to-earth, short-term therapy with long-term results. She is passionate in her work and will help you stay motivated to change your life with regular commitment to changing habits in thinking and behaving. See her website at: www.DrLSills.com or www.BuildAStrongerYou.com |
||
|
Copyright 2006© Laurel A. Sills, Psy.D. All rights reserved Back to Articles |