False Love: Infatuation |
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| Martians and Venusians are different all right. John Gray, author of Men are From Mars and Women Are From Venus and other books for couples, is certainly helpful in pointing out how different men and women are in their experience and expression of emotions. Men and women are not only different, he says, but also are in need of studying each other as separate species to increase understanding and respect for one another. | ||
| Sexuality is quite different for men and women, too. For men, the physical act of sex is often a pleasurable activity that is not necessarily full of emotions. Men can often separate their emotional feelings from the physical enjoyment of sexual pleasure. Emotions can certainly play a role in their sexual performance, however, especially when men think of themselves as “performing” to please their partner. Women, in contrast from men, usually need an emotional connection to be able to engage in sexual activity. The more connected they feel, the more relaxed they are sexually. At times, however, women, too, may dissociate emotions from physical activity especially when there are emotional problems, but overall, prefer to stay connected. | ||
| Since there are such differences, it is very important that the emotional aspect of a relationship is stable before men and women are sexually involved. In the May 17, l997 volume of US News, the feature article was about how adults are too quick to get physically involved. The article was primarily against premarital sex. The decision to engage or not engage in sexual activity whether within a marital relationship or not is a very personal decision that each one of us must make based upon our comfort, trust, religious beliefs, self-esteem, needs, evaluation of the consequences and goals for the relationship. What is most important in making this decision is knowing oneself and one’s needs very well. | ||
| The tenderness of the physical contact may easily be mistaken for the loving feelings of a long-term stable relationship. If these ingredients are not truly there, one or both partners are in for an emotional crash. | ||
| One of the common themes occurring between men and women who do become sexually involved before the relationship has reached the same emotional comfort zone is pseudo-love. Pseudo-love or pseudo-intimacy is when false love is mistaken for the real thing. It occurs often when people are lonely, needy, and desire a loving relationship I their lives. When rushed, a relationship will feel intimate without the necessary ingredients of a true loving relationship such as trust, caring, security commitment, fidelity and knowledge of your partner’s values and behavior in many realms of life. The tenderness of the physical contact may easily be mistaken for the loving feelings of a long-term stable relationship. | ||
| In pseudo-love, it is common that a woman justifies her sexual behavior by feeling as if she is “in love”. She may love the feeling of closeness, being held, sexual excitement, but cannot truly love a partner she has not known either well or long enough emotionally. Men will often say that the sexual connection will hoist them into feeling an emotional connection with a woman by breaking down barriers. The risk, of course, is that the relationship may not last. | ||
| If both partners are responsible, are aware of this risks of pseudo-love, and are able to think ahead about the emotional and physical consequences of their behavior, then whatever they do in the privacy of their home is up to them. Just be careful to not confuse real with false love. |
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This article was written by Dr. Laurel A. Sills, a Fully Licensed Clinical Psychologist (since 1987) and Life Coach. She provides direct, down-to-earth, short-term therapy with long-term results. She is passionate in her work and will help you stay motivated to change your life with regular commitment to changing habits in thinking and behaving. See her website at: www.DrLSills.com or www.BuildAStrongerYou.com |
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Copyright 2006© Laurel A. Sills, Psy.D. All rights reserved Back to Articles |