Follow Your Heart to Happiness |
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| Ironically, many of us spend a significant part of our adult lives examining and undoing the very programming we had as children to become good healthy people by following the rules and values of our families, schools, and society. As children, being good meant following the rules. As adults, however, we often agonize over becoming our own person, finding our own identity, values, and desires, and learning how to follow our hearts to happiness without hurting the feelings of those who “trained” us in the first place. | ||
| We learn so much when we are young about how to think, behave, believe, and act. Later on, when we are free to be our own person, we often continue to hold onto many learned beliefs, behaviors, and ways of thinking that do not lead to happiness. We feel conflicted about following both our gut and heart, fearing we will be betraying our parents or teachers who taught us these prior lessons. This feeling of betrayal can lead us to make choices for others, not for ourselves. Finally, we may feel afraid or selfish if we act upon our own behalf. The result of not doing so is often discontent. | ||
| As they say, “life is not a dress rehearsal.” By the time, we realize this, we have spent many years making decisions for the wrong reasons. Happiness comes from listening to oneself—following our hearts, ridding the conflict and guilt for being our own best guide. | ||
| We have to learn to stop trying to please our parents, friends, neighbors, teachers, siblings, if pleasing them is not congruent with pleasing ourselves at the same time. There is nothing wrong with pleasing others especially if it brings a good feeling of being helpful or supportive with it. But, if we do things for others that are against our beliefs, wishes, feelings, or typical behaviors, we are betraying ourselves. This will typically lead to a sense of resentment and negativity. | ||
| In becoming our own person, we must follow our heart. We need to listen to ourselves and focus on the “I” part of life. Of course, our choices affect our mates, partners, and family members. Part of our decision of deciding what the “I” part of us wants may be influenced by the type of relationship we want to have with these people, as well as the level of intimacy we share with them. For example, we may feel less inclined to go out of our way for someone if they are not very close to us emotionally. We have to make decisions based upon these factors. “Should”, “must” and “ought” are words that need to be eliminated from our thoughts. | ||
| “Okay,” you say, “what about when you must or ought to follow the law?” Well, we all make a choice of whether or not we want to have order and be law-abiding citizens. Every “should” and “ought” can be made into a choice of what we want. Making our focus internal and accepting ourselves is the key to our own happiness. We have to respect our own limitations, trust our own instincts, feel okay about being different from our parents, and make our decisions based on this internal congruency, rather than out of fear of hurting the feelings of others. Finally, we have to believe that we have the right to be unique, even if not every one will agree with or even like us. If we love and respect ourselves and are grateful for what we have, we will be far more happy than if we continue trying to please everyone around us without even knowing ourselves. | ||
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This article was written by Dr. Laurel A. Sills, a Fully Licensed Clinical Psychologist (since 1987) and Life Coach. She provides direct, down-to-earth, short-term therapy with long-term results. She is passionate in her work and will help you stay motivated to change your life with regular commitment to changing habits in thinking and behaving. See her website at: www.DrLSills.com or www.BuildAStrongerYou.com |
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Copyright 2006© Laurel A. Sills, Psy.D. All rights reserved Back to Articles |