Getting out of the Doghouse |
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| When we do something we know is wrong or hurtful to someone, we tend to feel guilt and remorse. The shamed person will know that they were in error, but will want to run and hide and never admit to any wrongdoing. The shamed person wants to pretend that nothing ever happened because it is too painful for them to look at their own fallibility. Shameful feelings make a person feel like they are the mistake rather than their behavior or words. | ||
| When we feel shame, we want to become invisible to the world so that no one can judge us as harshly as we judge ourselves or as we fear that others will judge us. Therefore, the person who feels shame will end up not wanting anyone to know of their transgression. They will not want to call attention to themselves because they already feel so fragile in the self-esteem department. They struggle to admit to faults and errors because, in their mind, they are so bad already that it is difficult to admit to more problems. | ||
| The guilty person, however, will be able to see his/her mistake, feel bad about the behavior taken or words said, and will be able to take responsibility for it. It is usually the guilty person who ends up being motivated to apologize to another. Guilty people recognize that they are human and make mistakes. They feel guilt in a normal response to harming another emotionally, financially, physically, etc. They have a sense of morality, as does the shamed person, yet they can separate out the fact that their words and actions taken do not add up to be an accurate refection of their entire persona. When we can say, “I goofed. I am sorry” we are healthy. We need guilt to help us recognize our wrongdoing. We do not need shame—for it only inhibits us, creates self-hate, and can paralyze us. | ||
| So here’s to good guilt. Once we are and feel guilty, we can begin to get out of the doghouse with the person or persons we have offended or harmed. We all make mistakes. The first thing to assess in yourself is, “What was my intent?” “ Did I mean to harm another person in any way?” If your answer is “Yes” than you have a long way to go to grow up and get out of the vindictive mode. Purposefully hurting someone other than for self-defense is inexcusable. The feeling of wanting to hurt someone, at times, may be understandable. Acting upon those feelings, however, is not acceptable and is usually punishable in the legal system. If your answer to the intent question was “No!!” than you are on your way to forgiveness. | ||
| Most of us do not want to inflict pain on anyone. If we do it inadvertently or even out of a rage reaction that we cannot control at that moment, we can see later on that is was not how we wanted to behave. In more calm moments when the anger subsides, normal thinking resumes. This is when we are able to re-think a better response and wish that we could undo what has transpired. Since this is possible, the next best thing is to exercise humility and apologize. THIS IS THE FIRST STAGE IN EXITING THE DOGHOUSE . | ||
| Next, we need to explore ourselves for the feelings and motives that made us react in a distasteful manner. If you look closely at your own anger or rage, I am sure that you will find feelings of HURT lurking below the surface. You may only recognize anger, but anger arises out of a need being unfulfilled. Look closely and you shall find it! Once you can identify your own feelings of hurt that led to your quick reactive verbal slug or even behavioral bop, then you can put these feelings into words. Words about hurt are much better received by the other party than are words of anger. Anger pushes people away or into corners and leads to defensiveness or escalation of anger by eliciting anger in your listener. Stick to describing your own feelings of hurt by saying, “When you did ____________________, I felt __________________. I felt hurt when I interpreted your behavior to mean _____________.” “This is why I reacted as I did. I am sorry because I assumed that your words or behaviors meant __________________ and I did not check it out with you to see if that was your intent.” (Of course, if your listener admits that they did mean their intent to harm you, you can write them out of your will!) | ||
| Once we go back to ourselves and understand why we reacted, we must tell the hurt party what we have learned in the above format. We can explain our actions and try to get mutual understanding. It is very important not only to explain ourselves, but to empathize with the hurt party by telling that person directly how it must have felt for them to receive our harsh words or behaviors when they did not want to hurt us. This is a vital step! For if we only explain ourselves, it just sounds defensive and like we are justifying our actions. All of us need to feel validated—like our feelings and reactions are understood and normal. Getting out of the doghouse requires us to say something like, “ I know it must have really hurt you that I would assume you meant __________________ and that I would say such horrible things to you. I was just reacting and that was not fair to you. I know that you may feel disappointed by my behavior. It is probably hard for you to even want to talk to me now and that you may feel angry with me.” After we empathize with the person, we hurt and after we explain our emotional reactions that led to the words or behaviors that were involved in our transgression, we can take the final steps out of the doghouse. | ||
| The final step out of the doghouse is to say, “I am truly sorry. I hope that my explanation helps you know that I did not want to hurt you and that I feel bad about my reaction. Please forgive me.” | ||
| You have now done everything in your power to get out of the doghouse. … Oh… except… you must be able to forgive yourself for making an error. We all make mistakes. Only strong people are able to take inventory, make amends and verbalize this to the person they have hurt. This is the limit of our boundaries. You may unleash yourself and exit the doghouse if your listener chooses or is unable to forgive you. Not everyone can forgive you when you want or need to be forgiven. The recipient of your behavior must process their own feelings along with your explanation and apology. That is a lot of information to sift through. Just because you are ready for pardoning, does not mean it will be granted. Be proud of yourself for taking corrective action if you truly are sincere and care about the person whom you have hurt. Asking for forgiveness is truly more for each of us than it is for the person we have hurt. The forgiveness itself is truly more for the person offering it than it is for the recipient of it. | ||
| So, good luck in getting out of the Doghouse. Remember that dogs are very forgiving creatures unless they have been intentionally abused! Happy trails!! |
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This article was written by Dr. Laurel A. Sills, a Fully Licensed Clinical Psychologist (since 1987) and Life Coach. She provides direct, down-to-earth, short-term therapy with long-term results. She is passionate in her work and will help you stay motivated to change your life with regular commitment to changing habits in thinking and behaving. See her website at: www.DrLSills.com or www.BuildAStrongerYou.com |
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Copyright 2006© Laurel A. Sills, Psy.D. All rights reserved Back to Articles |