Letting Go and Moving On |
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| It is the new year. The holiday fluff begins to quiet down. Many people decide to break up a relationship “after the holiday”. “Why ruin the holidays?” they say in an avoidance of discomfort during the gift-giving season. They want to get out but delay for fear of hurting the other, being seen as “not nice” or not wanting to be alone. The other side of this coin is when partners won’t accept that it is “over”. They buy gifts and attempt to convince their partner to stay on over the holidays; hoping that the holiday cheer may somehow change something. | ||
| Veronica Softshall wrote a wonderful poem that says, “Kisses aren’t contracts and love does not mean chaining a soul…” When two people share warmth, attraction, and physical intimacy, one of the partners may mistake that as solidifying the relationship and locking it into place. People who want to be in a loving relationship sometimes confuse the fantasy of where a relationship could hopefully lead with where the relationship is at currently. Kisses, hand holding and sexual intimacy do not guarantee the security of a relationship nor the stability of the emotions of the moment. | ||
| We all love to be touched, held, and cared for and to nurture in return. Caring about another person is a wonderful feeling. Wanting to know more and to risk being truly emotionally available to get to know another person is a very exciting and scary endeavor. To feel tingly and feel obsessed with thoughts of another person is fun; like being a kid in a candy shop. But it is just the part of a relationship that brings two people together—the magnet for allowing both people to want to explore more. There is no denying how wonderful those early feelings are in dating, but they are not always predictors of what will come. | ||
| When moments and interactions are shared over time, real aspects of the relationship may come into play to make the continuation of the relationship unhealthy or painful for one or both people. One can like a person and even love another, without the relationship being right for marriage or a permanent commitment. When this truth comes out, we often do not want to accept it. | ||
| Too often, we beg to hang on to the good parts and do not want to accept letting go with grace. It is baffling to think we can be so attracted to another and so interested and then have to let it go. As we mature, however, we learn that true love means acceptance, even if we must accept another person’s point of view that is different from our own. Respecting the wishes and desires of another, even if it is opposite of what we wish them to want, takes strength, wisdom and courage. When we finally get to that level of loving a person for who they are and not for filling our own needs, it is a very rewarding emotional place. Sure, the pain of grieving a loss of a loving relationship hurts, but the time of grief and degree of heartache can be reduced by the understanding that we truly cannot make another person feel what he or she is not ready or able to feel. | ||
| We often torment ourselves with questions like, “What did I do wrong? Why did it end? What happened?” rather than learn to accept what has transpired. Often, we will never know what is in another person’s head and heart. We can only know ourselves fully. If a relationship stops feeling safe, honest, loving, trustworthy, or mutual, we need to pay attention. We need to address our own feelings about that and share that with a partner. If the response we get does not alleviate that feeling and correct itself over a designated period of time, we need to face reality and make a decision about the relationship. | ||
| Letting go and moving on is important if one wants to really be in a truly mutually loving relationship. Holding on to fantasies and staying stuck with obsessions of what could have been and what was only maintains a painful stalemate. | ||
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This article was written by Dr. Laurel A. Sills, a Fully Licensed Clinical Psychologist (since 1987) and Life Coach. She provides direct, down-to-earth, short-term therapy with long-term results. She is passionate in her work and will help you stay motivated to change your life with regular commitment to changing habits in thinking and behaving. See her website at: www.DrLSills.com or www.BuildAStrongerYou.com |
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Copyright 2006© Laurel A. Sills, Psy.D. All rights reserved Back to Articles |