Nursing Homes: Oh How We Dread Them! |
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| "I'd rather be dead than live in a nursing home" is the sentiment of most of us. We joke about being there if no one is around to take care of us in our "Golden Years." But, as people live longer, have children with busy lives with careers of their own, and can no longer care for themselves fully on a day-to-day basis, the reality of nursing home care must be addressed. | ||
| When you have a loved one that is unable to safely live alone, a nursing home or assisted living center needs to be considered. People tend to think that it is a horrible thing to "shove someone they love into a nursing home." They view it as a horrible punishment rather than a realistic necessity. Many nursing homes are understaffed, suffer lack of funding, have inadequate or inappropriate staff. But others are good. Regardless, there are circumstances when a nursing home facility is the only answer to family discord over caring for a chronically disabled loved one. | ||
| No one wants to burden their family or strangers. No one wants to be dependent upon others for day-to-day living. But, we don't always have a choice. When a person has Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, Multiple Sclerosis, severe arthritis, dementia, strokes or any number of other severely debilitating conditions, family members may not be enough to provide adequate hygiene, care, or constant surveillance. When an entire family becomes so taxed emotionally and physically in giving care to another that they are suffering, too, it is time to get the support of an outside agency and to address assisted living or nursing home care. | ||
| There is no shame in recognizing our limits. We all want to do our best to keep our loved ones at home. But, if caring for another person means failing to care for our own children, and ourselves we will fail more people in the long run if we do not accept the necessity of a nursing home for one who needs it. | ||
| So often, we get angry at life for dishing out hardballs and curveballs that we feel ill equipped to face. It is easy to take out our frustrations about a person's condition and how their condition affects our lives and the lives of others on that person or on other innocent bystanders. Resentment can brew into depression, displaced hostility, and even abuse of the disabled person for which we are caring. While this is understandable, it is not okay. | ||
| Day after day of no sleep with sounds of groaning throughout the night; day after day of feeling imprisoned at home to "baby sit" a loved one who has poor judgment or memory; day after day of cleaning up the mess of incontinence; the physical wear and tear of lifting and moving someone with paralysis; all can cause severe problems in caretakers, too. | ||
| We have to recognize the reality of no longer being able to safely care for our loved ones. We have to face the aging and declining health of those whom we love. We have to recognize our own limits and face our own guilt before we can really assess whether or not a nursing home is the right move for someone we love. Typically, this must be done with an objective third party and the rest of the family. Sitting down with a social worker, nursing home staff worker, physician, psychologist and siblings is the best way to address family conflicts, concerns, and limitations regarding needed care and support. It is best to do this without the person in question of needing the nursing home at first so talk can be free and open. After a consensus is come to, add the loved one who needs care if they are still cognitively able to understand what is being discussed. | ||
| With those who are fully able to understand, tell them why you feel they need the care of a nursing home. Tell them of your own discomfort at the thought, yet your own limitations in providing adequate care. Tell them your plans. Show them choices and include them in discussion. When you feel your own judgment is much more intact than theirs, you will have to be the parent in the relationship and override them in making decisions. | ||
| This is one of the most difficult undertakings for all people involved. Therefore, it is best to include as many people involved as possible. |
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This article was written by Dr. Laurel A. Sills, a Fully Licensed Clinical Psychologist (since 1987) and Life Coach. She provides direct, down-to-earth, short-term therapy with long-term results. She is passionate in her work and will help you stay motivated to change your life with regular commitment to changing habits in thinking and behaving. See her website at: www.DrLSills.com or www.BuildAStrongerYou.com |
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Copyright 2006© Laurel A. Sills, Psy.D. All rights reserved Back to Articles |