Relearning Singlehood |
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| Typically, we learn to be independent as a process of developing out of adolescence and moving into young adulthood. During this phase, we mature into self-sufficient people, able to take on the responsibilities of paying the bills, keeping a job, maintaining a living arrangement without chaos, further developing our individuality and confidence, and separating and differentiating ourselves from our parents by defining and accepting our own uniqueness. | ||
| In the last twenty years, this process has slowed down as more young adults have gone to college and graduate school; thus lengthening the need to be dependent upon parents financially. High impact of divorce has also lead to the return of many adults back to their families of origin. In part, these factors can make “Re-learning” singlehood a very difficult task. | ||
| What is “Re-learning” singlehood? Well, following the breakup of long-term relationships, divorce or the death of a spouse, we have to learn to cope with being on our own again. If we successfully developed through separation and individuation and were secure on our own before entering into a relationship, this task will be much easier. Yet, many of us never really get comfortable on our own and feel thrown into a panic when we lose a relationship. Many people became pseudo-independent; appearing comfortable on their own on the outside, but are scared to death to face life’s hurdles on the inside. They may grab help from many different sources and never learn how to manage these tasks by themselves. Help is great, as long as it is not from the wrong people for the wrong reasons—staying in bad relationships, as a means to an end or out of fear of being alone is not healthy. | ||
| Aside from having the task of getting comfortable with oneself, re-learning singlehood may involve learning different roles and adjusting to new social mores, depending upon how much change there has been since that person was last “out there” alone. The longer one has been in a partnership, the more the time warp will affect their comfort in dating. Older men and women who have lost partners will usually struggle the hardest. As times change, the roles in dating change, too. Women are more assertive and aggressive in asking men out. Men may ask women to pay their part in dating due to financial strains of divorce. This is not considered to be cheap or ill-mannered today. It may just be a fact of reality. AIDS has created the need for people to be very direct about getting a sexual history from one’s partner before engaging in physical intimacy. In the past, such history taking would be unheard of and rude! Finally, singles’ events, blind dates and personal adds are well intended Newcomers to this scene, however, may feel like meat thrown to hungry wolves, and may panic in new dating situations. | ||
| After being in an intimate relationship, it is can be difficult to pace the level of intimacy you share with a stranger. Some people forget that trust is necessary in building intimacy, and may over-disclose about themselves to the point of scaring off others. Some people expect way too much from new people in their lives; expecting the new person to give as much time and energy to them as did their long-term lover. Some people are so afraid of hurt that they don’t know how to give of themselves at all. They want the new person to just “know” them without sharing, and feel let down when new people cannot gage this. Finally, some people just isolate, fearing taking any risks out there at all. | ||
| Re-learning singlehood means facing challenges, taking risks, broadening one’s knowledge, and getting to know oneself. It means facing things alone while sharing with others what that journey is like. It means learning to ask for help without expecting it. It means learning to set limits on others and oneself and recognizing and respecting boundaries between people. It means learning to make peace with oneself and becoming one’s own best friend—someone who knows when to reach out for support and when to not trust others. Relearning singlehood can be challenging and scary, yet it also provides us with an exciting opportunity to grow and learn about ourselves as free agents! |
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This article was written by Dr. Laurel A. Sills, a Fully Licensed Clinical Psychologist (since 1987) and Life Coach. She provides direct, down-to-earth, short-term therapy with long-term results. She is passionate in her work and will help you stay motivated to change your life with regular commitment to changing habits in thinking and behaving. See her website at: www.DrLSills.com or www.BuildAStrongerYou.com |
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Copyright 2006© Laurel A. Sills, Psy.D. All rights reserved Back to Articles |