Rock-a-bye Baby |
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| How often have you thought, “If only someone could mother me” when you felt down, alone, and empty? Learning the skill of self-soothing is vital for all of us. It is especially pertinent to people who don’t have a partner to hold or reassure them in the midst of an emotional meltdown. | ||
| We all have moments when our thought processes can be our own worst enemy. While I strongly advocate feeling your feelings and not blocking off pain, there are times when I recommend changing the channel. When flooded with obsessive thinking about how “bad” we are, how “unloved we feel” how “no one likes us,” how we “failed again”, or “we’ll always be alone”, the only way to get unstuck is to consciously change gears. To get unstuck, we have to say, “Enough of this talk!” Sometimes, we cannot reframe our thinking into a positive perspective on our own. If you can’t find the right words to soothe yourself, it is time to change the channel. | ||
| Distraction from negative obsessive thinking can be done by refocusing yourself on the television, a book, getting email, petting your dog or cat, attending to your own vanity or physical needs, calling a friend, putting on upbeat music and singing, taking a walk, or visiting friends. Sometimes, writing down your feelings can help. After reviewing what you have written, you may experience your feelings in a different light. | ||
| Since there is no one there to hold you or sing you a lullaby, you must muster up the energy to soothe yourself. Most often, if we are feeling a great deal of angst, it is due to feeling helpless, out of control, scared, alone… feelings that a child feels when upset. This is common for all adults to experience. While our bodies are grown up, we typically have some pockets of emotional functioning that are still very needy and immature. We need to recognize these pockets and be delicate with them. In the midst of our own emotional angst, we need to soothe the pain, reassure ourselves that “we will indeed be okay”, and know that this is just a “temporary state”. | ||
| We have to move ourselves from this infant or child state of functioning, to a calming parent state. We always have ourselves and we usually know what we need. Focus on what you need and then turn to yourself to get it. If you are abusing yourself with verbal put-downs, stop the bully. If you are feelings empty and need a hug but have no one there to give you one, then hold yourself, a pillow, a pet or take a warm bath. If you cannot change your focus, get up and change your behavior. Just like a baby, when our needs are met or soothed, the crying will stop. The next day will likely feel brighter. If not, talk to a friend, a family member, or a professional that can help you learn these skills and work through the sources of your pain. |
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This article was written by Dr. Laurel A. Sills, a Fully Licensed Clinical Psychologist (since 1987) and Life Coach. She provides direct, down-to-earth, short-term therapy with long-term results. She is passionate in her work and will help you stay motivated to change your life with regular commitment to changing habits in thinking and behaving. See her website at: www.DrLSills.com or www.BuildAStrongerYou.com |
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Copyright 2006© Laurel A. Sills, Psy.D. All rights reserved Back to Articles |