Self-help Groups? Why Do I Avoid Going? |
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| When commenting on the idea of going to a support group, there is certainly a difference between stating sarcastically, “Who needs it!” and asking sincerely, “Who needs it?” Clearly, the first exclamation smacks of condemnation and cynicism while the later question is more innocent and inquisitive. Some of the very people who may benefit most from a supportive self-help group may shun, ridicule, or avoid these groups. One part of them wants to attend, while another part is afraid. | ||
| Every one of us takes pride in being able to function well independently. At times, our pride gets in the way of getting help or support that we need to function even better. So many times, recommendations for therapy or a support group to help people better know and understand themselves and others or to enhance their ability to relate to and connect with people on a more intimate and healthy level are met with resistance and rejection. Why is this? | ||
| Usually, it is not fear of getting help or the group itself that leads to resistance, but, instead, it is the fear of being dependent, getting out of control, losing one’s composure, facing painful realities, feeling vulnerable or looking “weak” in front of others that makes people avoid. Despite the fact that all of us have times when we hurt, are sad, get angry, feel needy, are confused and want help, so many of us feel ashamed of these normal feelings and want to keep them hidden. | ||
| With so much sophistication in these modern times, it is a sad irony that so many people in our society continue to raise children to be “strong by not crying or showing emotions”. The message is that it is not okay to be a normal human…we are to show only the happy face. This message is faulty and will cause problems with communication and relationships over time. If we insist on raising children to be incongruous between their felt emotions and the behaviors and feelings they show to others, then these children will grow up not getting the support and understanding they deserve. No one will recognize their needs. | ||
| The fear of getting out of control or getting emotional is often recited as the explanation for avoiding self-help groups. First of all, what is “getting out of control?” Is it yelling, pushing, hitting, throwing, harming, or just crying? Crying is hardly “out of control”. Crying is a normal emotional outlet, remember? We all do it. As infants, crying is a vital signal we use to get the care we need for survival. It should be respected. Why should this behavior be seen as anything other than a signal for meeting the needs to release pent-up emotions, get support, or just be a caring person? | ||
| For many, their families hurt them by making crying a sign of weakness worthy of punishment. All too often, I have heard people say, “Yeah, my parents would say, ‘I’ll give you something to cry about if you’re going to act like a baby.’” How sad. In both therapy and support groups, one learns that it is safe to cry, normal to feel and okay to express feelings to certain people. Have no fear—if you do cry, the flood waters will quiet down—you will regain your composure. | ||
| As we mature, we practice skills of self-control, self-reliance, and composure, all of which are important to function at school, work and in many situations. Unfortunately, we generalize these skills to be necessary in all situations even when they are not. When traumas, illness, and tender moments elicit strong emotions, who says we should not express our feelings, be needy or take on a temporary dependent sick-role to get the nurturance we crave in order to become strong once again. The wise person knows when to let someone else take over in order to allow him/herself time to heal. It is thus a sign of strength to be able to discern when to reach out for help in order to go forward again. | ||
| It is always appropriate that we work on getting support, learn to be honest and direct, get our needs met in appropriate ways, and learn the best ways to help those that we love. If you agree with this statement, then you should support therapy and self-help groups. Next time you want to judge yourself or others who are in or are considering being in a support group, ask yourself what makes you feel afraid or threatened by them. More power to all of us who want to evolve and free ourselves from outdated beliefs about the appropriateness of sharing our feelings with others. |
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This article was written by Dr. Laurel A. Sills, a Fully Licensed Clinical Psychologist (since 1987) and Life Coach. She provides direct, down-to-earth, short-term therapy with long-term results. She is passionate in her work and will help you stay motivated to change your life with regular commitment to changing habits in thinking and behaving. See her website at: www.DrLSills.com or www.BuildAStrongerYou.com |
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Copyright 2006© Laurel A. Sills, Psy.D. All rights reserved Back to Articles |