Steppin’ Up the Family |
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| “Stepmother”, “stepfather”… these are names that would typically conjure up negative images of mistreatment, abuse, Cinderella stories, or major headaches for the new parent or other members of a blended family. While divorce, remarriage, and blended families do pose a challenge to all for major adjustments, there are positive aspects to steppin’ up the family size. | ||
| Many times, the reasons parents chose to divorce is just because their relationship is so troubled that it has more traumatic affects on the children than the divorce itself. For example, chronic and untreated alcohol dependency with no desire to get help; physical, sexual or emotional abuse; chronic yelling or frequent and out-of-control emotional outbursts; lack of commitment, fidelity, honesty and respect; or physical, emotional or financial abandonment are good reasons to end a marriage for the sake of the children. | ||
| When kids are subjected to the above kinds of mistreatment and nothing can be done to end their exposure to this, divorce can eventually bring some peace to an otherwise chronically chaotic family environment. When a parent recognizes that the lack of emotional stability or health of the other parent is not changing with or without therapy over time such that they or their children are suffering, it is time to exit the relationship to preserve whatever esteem the family has left and to mend the family’s emotional wounds. | ||
| Remarriage to a healthier mate can be very positive in many ways. First, a new mate may be much healthier than a parent. This shows children that their parent may be able to choose a more stable mate. It also exposes children to more reasonable adult caregiver who can mitigate some of the damage done or at least validate the painful feelings resulting from the unhealthy prior environment. Next, having more caregivers may diminish some of the stress that caused the emotional problems of one or both parents in the first place. Shared parenting on alternate days or weekends can eliminate some of the stress of daily living for parents who are busy working out of the home in addition to recovering from their own problems and taking care of personal business in the home. Some people are much better parents on a part-time basis. For shorter periods of time, they can more fully attend to the needs of their children. Finally, when the stepparents are truly caring, children gain another caring person in their life. Learning from this added parent and that person’s family steps up the benefits of divorcing the past problematic living situation. | ||
| Stepfamily living can give children a new perspective on life. Change is not always negative. Some children gain siblings and friends from having their family blended with another. Instead of having two parents, they get three or four parental figures. Pending on timing and the emotional terrain of the new family, the new blended family can make for a much smoother ride for children. | ||
| The most important factor in blending a family is to communicate feelings about change. Eliciting feelings from your kids about their fears, concerns, hurts, anger, etc., is needed to help them adjust to change. Good listening, reminders that love is not always enough to make a healthy living environment, and therapy to transition into a better emotional space can strongly step-up your family unit. | ||
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This article was written by Dr. Laurel A. Sills, a Fully Licensed Clinical Psychologist (since 1987) and Life Coach. She provides direct, down-to-earth, short-term therapy with long-term results. She is passionate in her work and will help you stay motivated to change your life with regular commitment to changing habits in thinking and behaving. See her website at: www.DrLSills.com or www.BuildAStrongerYou.com |
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Copyright 2006© Laurel A. Sills, Psy.D. All rights reserved Back to Articles |