“Sticks and Stones Will Break My Bones…” |
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| … “But names will never hurt me.” As kids, all of us used this adage to defuse the potential harm of verbal attacks by others. While we tell ourselves not to be bothered by the hurtful things that others say about us, we are often unable to ignore them. | ||
| In fact, clinical accounts typically show that verbal tongue-lashings are most resilient and are not easily forgotten or forgiven. Physical abuse is felt at the moment and then heals. The scares of the abuse and the memories of the betrayal may last, but the physical pain goes away. When verbal abuse occurs, the scars remain etched in our minds. Words sting hard and hold on long. They echo in our heads. Only the strength of our egos and self-esteem can determine how long these hurts will keep recycling before more positive beliefs will replace and detoxify the verbal attacks from the past. | ||
| There is a story about a man and his son that goes like this: For each time his son verbalizes his anger in an inappropriate way, the son is to hammer a nail in their fence. So, the son obliges. He pounds many nails into the fence over time. Later, the father tells his son to remove all the nails, fill the holes and paint the fence. Of course the son is bewildered and frustrated since his dad told him to pound in these nails. The lesson was that it is much harder to repair the damage done by verbal outbreaks than it is to not react in that way in the first place. | ||
| Some children are cruel and will say things without sensitivity towards others. But adults may also be the bullies; saying things that are overtly hostile whether meant as an attack or just out of reactive anger that gets displaced onto kids. Whether drunk or not, depressed or not, intended or not, verbal attacks by parents, teachers and siblings are typically extremely damaging to younger children. It takes years to unlearn messages aimed at us that were faulty, inaccurate or were projected onto us by people suffering from their own emotional troubles. | ||
| Parents and teachers will tell children to “ignore” the nasty things that people say. In itself, this advice won’t work. It is necessary to evaluate how a child hears what is said and why it is believed. This will give insight into the fragile areas of their sense of self. Addressing the specific parts of the self in which the child is weak will guide us in giving more helpful advice. Finally, adults have to be willing to admit to their own frailties and apologize in a timely fashion when they say things they don’t mean. They will have to be extra persuasive to make a child trust that the words said were not true or intended and were, indeed, more a statement about their own frustration then about that child. | ||
| Be sparing with the nails, for nails should be used only to strengthen the fence. | ||
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This article was written by Dr. Laurel A. Sills, a Fully Licensed Clinical Psychologist (since 1987) and Life Coach. She provides direct, down-to-earth, short-term therapy with long-term results. She is passionate in her work and will help you stay motivated to change your life with regular commitment to changing habits in thinking and behaving. See her website at: www.DrLSills.com or www.BuildAStrongerYou.com |
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Copyright 2006© Laurel A. Sills, Psy.D. All rights reserved Back to Articles |